


I Don't Discriminate (Between the Sinners and the Saints)

by foolofatook001



Series: Are You Aaron Burr, Sir? [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: (of sorts), Character Study, Gen, L'Manberg's really gone downhill, Phil is not amused, Ran-'tell me you at least used Silk Touch'-boo, is Ranboo the new Aaron Burr?, jury’s still out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foolofatook001/pseuds/foolofatook001
Summary: In which the Butcher Army goes to arrest Philza, the goverment of L'Manberg begins to show its cracks, and Ranboo just doesn't want to be here. Phil's house arrest, from Ranboo's POV, with a couple scenes afterward. Oneshot.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), and arresting people, they're just chillin'
Series: Are You Aaron Burr, Sir? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089509
Comments: 4
Kudos: 197





	I Don't Discriminate (Between the Sinners and the Saints)

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this right after watching the stream where they confront Phil and put him under house arrest; Ranboo asking Quackity if he'd at least used Silk Touch on the windows during them ransacking Phil's house was just really funny to me -- I was like "okay I like this guy" XD
> 
> And all of the Phil-Ranboo and Techno-Ranboo interactions since have been great and I've decided I like him even more! So I figured I'd try to get into his character's head a little.
> 
> Dialogue is paraphrased from the various streams, but not exactly. Also the bit with Ghostbur was still in front of Phil originally but I decided to switch it up a little :)

He just did the minutes, man. He hadn’t signed up for any of this. But when three guys in bloody aprons with diamond axes ask you to join their little revenge army for the good of the entire country, you don’t say no. 

And this is why Ranboo is currently standing in Philza Minecraft’s house, growing increasingly uncomfortable as Quackity and Tubbo demand to know where Technoblade is. 

“I’m not going to tell you,” Phil says, stubbornly. Ranboo has to admire his loyalty to the most dangerous man on the server. He likes Philza. He’s a chill -- if often absent -- next-door-neighbor, and as long as Ranboo minds his own business, Phil lets him alone. It’s an arrangement they both can live comfortably with. Phil even saved his life once, rescued him from lava in his early days on the server. 

Ranboo sent him a thank-you note afterward.

“It’s for the sake of L’Manberg, Philza,” Quackity is saying, pulling out the same lines he’d been using at the meeting minutes before.

“Snitchza?” Fundy snickers, and Ranboo shoots him a look. Fundy keeps calling Phil “Grandpa” but it doesn’t seem like the title means much to him; the way Fundy is acting is not the way you’re supposed to act around your grandfather.

“I’m wondering why you assume I have loyalty to this country,” Phil says, and this is when Ranboo knows things are about to go very, very wrong. “I’m new here. I’ve yet to have a reason to be loyal to L’Manberg, and you lot really aren’t helping.” 

“So you’re going to be uncooperative?” Quackity asks, raising his eyebrows. “You know, Philza, there’s an easy way to do this, and then there’s a hard way.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, just gives them all a stony look. 

“So be it,” says Tubbo. “Start going through his chests, boys!”

Quackity leaps forward, flinging open the nearest chest and rummaging through its contents; Fundy and Tubbo are quick to do the same. Ranboo hesitates a second before checking for anything that could lead to Technoblade’s location in the barrels above Phil’s mantelpiece. They’re nearly empty, so he decides to check the chests by the windows. 

The sound of breaking glass makes him pause. “I’m breaking the flowers, I’m breaking your flowers!” Fundy crows from outside. Upstairs, Quackity breaks more glass.

“What are you doing?” Phil yells, rushing out to see what Fundy has done. Ranboo peers upstairs. Quackity has smashed the front windows in, an unholy grin on his face. He’s enjoying this.

“Tell me you at least used Silk Touch on those windows,” Ranboo says, but he already knows the answer. It’s not as if Phil doesn’t have the resources to replace the windows, but it’s just… so unnecessary. They’re supposed to be looking for clues to Technoblade’s whereabouts, not smashing up Phil’s house for no reason. 

“Big Q,” says Tubbo suddenly, and everyone pauses. “Big Q, look what I found.” He has something small held in his hand, shimmering with the light that indicates enchantments. 

Phil swears softly. 

Quackity comes over and takes the thing from Tubbo, his face splitting into a wide grin. “Philza Minecraft. What is  _ this _ ?”

“That’s -- that’s actually my question as well,” Ranboo puts in, not able to see what the actual item is, and hoping to take a little of the heat off of Phil. He is ignored.

“It’s nothing at all, nothing at all,” Phil says quickly, meaning it’s anything but. 

“Sure, you just  _ happen  _ to have a compass labeled  _ Techno’s Compass _ in with your stuff,” Tubbo accuses. 

“It just -- it just leads to a potato farm,” Phil lies, his eyes darting over the four of them. Ranboo thinks he might be considering the odds of fighting his way out of here. “Just a bit of a joke, y’know?”

“This could be considered treason,” says Quackity, and everyone in the room just  _ stops  _ for a second.

The last time someone threw that word around Tubbo got blown up along with most of the rest of the population of L’Manberg. Not that Ranboo had been there for that, but he knows enough about the history of the country, has picked things up in the silences between people, has heard Niki whisper about it sometimes.

“But maybe it doesn’t have to go that far, huh, Mr. President?” Quackity says quickly, as if sensing he’s crossed a line. 

“There do have to be some sort of consequences,” Tubbo muses uncertainly, glancing around Philza’s house as if looking for inspiration.

Ranboo shifts from foot to foot. It’s not looking good for Phil. 

“You can’t kick him out,” Fundy says, finally speaking up for his grandpa. Then he ruins it with his next sentence. “I won’t have anywhere to live.”

“Ranboo,” says Tubbo, and he starts a little, not expecting to be addressed. He’s an outsider here. He doesn’t have the history the rest of them do. “Go get the monitor from the courthouse.”

Ranboo does as he is told (he’s not arguing with the three men covered in blood with a penchant for holding grudges and overreacting). Phil is still standing in the middle of his house, surrounded by the threatening Butcher Army, when he returns, bearing the ankle monitor. He hides a grimace as he hands it over and Phil straps it around his ankle, his face showing his anger.

“Philza Minecraft, we’re placing you under house arrest,” Tubbo declares, and Quackity and Fundy start making a racket again. 

“House arrest, house arrest, can’t leave, can’t leave,” Fundy sings as they block up his door from the outside. Ranboo stares at him. Who  _ is _ this guy? Surely not the friendly fox he’s been hanging out with the last couple days. It’s like he’s taken all leave of his senses.

Quackity and Tubbo start ringing the doorbell repeatedly, laughing as they do. 

“Guys, he can’t even come to the door,” Ranboo tries to interject. He is once again ignored. 

“I still love you, Grandpa!” Fundy calls merrily as they move away from the door.

“You are  _ dead _ to me!” Phil shouts back. His tone is not joking in the least.

Phil watches them leave to find Technoblade from his balcony, face expressionless. Ranboo sends him one quick, regretful look over his shoulder as he trails behind the rest of the Butcher Army.

-0-

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can’t just  _ shoot  _ someone for saying ‘sucks to suck’!” Ranboo says frantically, grabbing the bow away from Tubbo, who is fuming. Technoblade has cheated death yet again and escaped. Quackity chased after him but they haven’t heard anything yet. Fundy has lost all his armor. Dream and Punz are working against them. Ranboo totally gets why Tubbo is furious. He’s a little annoyed himself -- they went to all that effort to get Technoblade and then he got away again. (He can’t help but admire the audacity at the same time, though. Technoblade really did never die.) But regardless of how justified the anger is, that doesn’t mean Tubbo should straight-up  _ murder _ Phil, who really hasn’t done anything other than be a bit difficult. 

And aid and abet a (retired) enemy of L’Manberg, but Ranboo honestly doesn’t care as much about that; it seemed to him Techno wasn’t causing any harm out by himself in the Arctic. 

Ghostbur wanders over and provides a distraction with his sheep called Friend and some blue, taking the edge off of Tubbo’s anger. Ranboo wonders if he’s doing it on purpose so they won't be able to give Quackity any backup. Ghostbur has always called Technoblade his friend, and Phil is his father. 

Phil is still smugly standing on his balcony, occasionally taunting them or talking to Ghostbur. 

Quackity’s death message --  _ Quackity was slain by Technoblade _ \-- shows up on each of their communication devices and all the action freezes for a second.

Phil starts to cackle, collapsing against the railing of the balcony. Ranboo fires off a quick message:  _ what happened? Quackity you good? _ While he is thus distracted, Tubbo snatches his bow back and starts firing arrows at Phil again, who ducks back inside his house.

“Dude!” Ranboo yells. “He’s not doing anything, just leave him alone. He’s not breaking any laws and he’s staying in his house!”

“Fine,” Tubbo grumbles, slinging the bow back over his back. “I’m just -- I’m just pissed, all right?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Fundy says, glaring at Phil’s closed balcony doors. 

Ranboo hums noncommittally.

-0-

“You’re a bit of an Aaron Burr, aren’t you, Ranboo?” Ghostbur says, out of nowhere, as they trek toward Techno’s Arctic base, Friend trailing behind them on Ghostbur’s lead.

“A what?” Ranboo says, frowning. 

“Aaron Burr. You know, all Mr. Flippy Floppy. First you’re helping Tubbo and Quackity, now you’re helping Phil and Technoblade. Whose side are you on?” It’s a surprisingly coherent statement for Ghostbur.

“I owe Phil one,” Ranboo tells him, trudging through the snow that has started to pile up. “He saved me from lava a while back.”

Ghostbur hums a little, as if thinking this over. 

“I help people who help me,” Ranboo continues, feeling the need to explain himself. “It doesn’t really matter who their allies or enemies are.”

“Loyal,” says Ghostbur, then drifts back to talk to Friend. 

Loyal? Ranboo thinks it over. It isn’t the kind of loyalty Tubbo and Quackity want, but he supposes he is a very loyal person in some respects. He also doesn’t like having unpaid debts. 

He sighs. The faster they get past this whole mess, the better.

He can’t play both sides forever.


End file.
